I remember a white polar bear who’s arms and legs moved, who my son named Baby Bear. Where ever we went baby bear had to come with us.
I remember Taggy; my daughter’s Frozen blanket she adored. She slept with it every night and during nap clutching the tag between her sweet little fingers as she fell asleep. Taggy was with her when she watched movies and cuddled with me on the couch, as well as whenever she took a ride. Taggy made her feel safe. Even though the tag was worn out and ripped she loved it just the same.
I remember the pillow pet my son got for Christmas and was his favorite toy. Every night when I tucked my son into his bed, pillow pet also got tucked in.
I remember our nightly ritual. For my older two boys it would be to put a learning video on for them to fall asleep too and tuck them and their stuffed animals snug in their beds. Then hugs and kisses where we would say the same saying my mother and I used to say when I was a child “Goodnight love you see you tomorrow.” The boys loved this ritual and even when they stayed at their dads and we talked on the phone we would still say our good night saying.
I remember for my younger two they slept with me. We would gather up their favorite blankies and my daughters Nuk, crawl into bed one on each side of me. My son wanted me to hold him tight and my daughter wanted her nuk and taggy. They were little and we started a ritual saying as well that just stuck one day. After the lights were out and we were comfortable just the three of us I would say “Good night and my son would repeat me, my daughter stopped sucking on her nuk long enough to repeat me as well, Love you Id say and they would repeat me holding my arm closer to their chest, See you in the morning Id say, they repeated me, then my son would say BYE and we would repeat him and say bye. I didnt like leaving it with bye so i would then say Love you again and they would repeat me. Every night this is what we did before we fell asleep.
I remember the smell of their shampoo and their lotion after a bath. Bath time was always fun and Id get all their clothes ready ahead of time, all their brushes, lotions ect. They always got to bring toys in the bath and afterwards we would squirt the toys out that still had water in them and put them in their pail for next time. They always tried bringing toys into the bath that were not bath toys and those toys would have to watch them take a bath.
I remember the movies we used to cuddle on the couch and watch together. I never wanted the tv to raise my kids so I would watch with them. Was nice to relax and cuddle to a good family movie together.
I remember the songs we sang together. “You’ll be in my heart” the tarzan song was my and my oldest sons song together. “You are my sunshine” was my and my second sons song. “A your Adorable”was my third sons and my song. “You are so beautiful to me”was my and my daughters song which my third son helped sing to her with me all the time.
I remember not being allowed to leave the courthouse and go home to say goodbye to my three boys who were being falsely taken out of my care. I remember being threatened with jail because I was crying so loud and so hard for my babies. I remember when I heard they were being taken, it not sinking in at first and taking a few moments, as if it werent really happening.
I remember coming home hours later to a house with no children, though all their toys and beds were as they left them. I remember going into the nursery and grabbing a toy falling to my knees crying. I remember not wanting to be in the house and see all their things.
I remember being able to visit my children once a week for one hour in a monitored facility. I remember the first visit and we all cried, the boys made a huge scene and didnt want to let go of me.
I remember finally being allowed to have my children at my home. Eventually it moved to overnights. I remember the feeling of being allowed to have MY children who I raised, who I never hurt or put in harms way stay over night at my house. I remember the feeling when the workers came to check on us.
I remember the feeling when it was finally over and CPS was out of our lives. I felt accomplished and relieved and proud, I made it through all the obstacles put in place for me to fail.
I remember the false allegations kept coming in by the same woman, I felt confident because the case had closed and the workers knew i was a good mom and had nothing but good things to say about me. I remember allowing the CPS workers and the police in and to view my children and each room in my home.
I remember that dreadful day the police and CPS broke into my home warrantless entry search and seizure after 14 proven false allegations and they were there to take my children. I remember the feeling i felt. I remember begging the worker to not take my children. I remember trying to reason with them and tell them the cops were there the night before and the 14 prior proven false allegations. I remember the panic I felt. I remember the person I called to come get my children. I remember having to wake my children up from a peaceful nap where they were safe to be taken away with strangers.
I remember watching that vehicle go down the road with my babies in the car, and me left in the road alone hyperventilating. I remember dropping to my knees. I remember feeling so empty, not knowing what to do.
I remember going to court not being able to show my undeniable proof or evidence. I remember we were silenced. I remember being told time and time again we cannot see our children. I remember being threatened with arrest if I showed up at my sons birthday. I remember not being a part of medical planning. I remember being erased.
I remember staying up all night researching the law and typing motions, only for them to be ignored by the judge. I remember being thrown in jail for child support because i showed up to court to fight for my children knowingly. I remember losing placement to the state.
I remember my daughter who was only 4 and in state care and was in ICU for two days before either parent was notified. I remember we were not allowed to visit, or call, then not even call for updates on our dying daughter. I remember we were not allowed to have a say in any of her treatment, medications or surgeries.
I remember a lot of things….some of which I would like to say I wish I didn’t, but these memories are what keeps me strong. Keeps me fighting this corrupt system. I remember these things of my babies and my babies remember them of me. No matter what we have a love and bond that cannot be broken. One day we will be together again, to make new memories to remember……